A bag of Avocados

Posted in News and Politics | Tagged ,

I was working on an article on the US presidential elections for another website earlier today and made an offhand remark that if the Democrats nominated a bag of Avocados for the presidency that California would faithfully line up and vote for it.  And then it hit me – a bag of Avocados would actually be a better nominee than either American party’s candidates.  Here’s 10 reasons you should join me in writing in a bag of avocados on your presidential ballot this fall.

1. Foreign policy

While it’s true that a bag of avocados doesn’t have much foreign policy experience, avocados are widely travelled – they’re grown in 57 different countries and exported and consumed world wide.  Moreover, everyone loves avocados – neither Trump or Clinton can come close to a bag of avocados in global opinion polls.  Finally, a bag of avocados is far less likely to get us into World War 5 (WWI, WWI, the Cold war, and the current ongoing neoliberal war being waged on the worlds poor via the WTO and various other treaties and trade organizations being the first 4) than either Hillary “Iraq is a business opportunity” Clinton or Donald “macho man” Trump.

2. The environment

Avocados understand the importance of rain that isn’t full of acid, air that isn’t polluted, and soil that isn’t full of toxic waste far better than Hillary “let’s frack everything” Clinton.  Even better, we can plant the avocado pits and grow trees.  Trees drink carbon dioxide and fight global warming.  I rest my case.

3. Trade and the economy

As mentioned in point 1, avocados have vast world experience and are a key part of a balanced breakfast, lunch, dinner, and trade portfolio.  A bag of avocados won’t sign the TPP or push through any other similar trade deals that continue the decades of class warfare that both American political parties have waged on behalf of their corporate backers.

4. Women’s rights:  

Avocados will not push to overturn Roe vs Wade or defund women’s health clinics like Trump/Pence would and they won’t drop bombs on poor women in Honduras/Iraq/Libya or sell weapons to regimes like Saudi Arabia that oppress women and execute LGBT people as HRC did as Secretary of State.  Instead, they will gracefully adorn your morning toast and lunch time hamburgers, add body to your post-yoga smoothie, and spread joy wherever they go.

5. Healthcare reform

Avocados are full of polyunsaturated fats – the good kind of fats – and surprisingly low on calories at only 234 calories in a medium-sized avocado.  They will promote healthy diets and the consumption of more fresh produce instead of the over-processed pre-packaged junk most americans eat far too much of.  They probably won’t deliver the healthcare reforms we so desperately need, but then neither will Clinton or Trump. While it’s true Avocados can be bought out by the HMO’s, they are the only candidate where we can say with honesty and certainty that campaign contributions will not impact their decisions about what legislation to sign into law.

6. Social Security

Avocados will not privatize social security as the Republicans want to do or raid social security to pay for wars and “balance the budget” as Bill Clinton did.  They won’t expand it the way Sanders wanted to either, but then with him out of the race that’s off the table anyway.  As a bonus, avocados are soft and easy to eat, even if you lost all your teeth during Bill Clinton’s presidency, and the new-age types claim they have powerful anti-aging properties.  That’s probably bullshit, but then so is literally every word out of Clinton and Trumps mouths.

7. Taxation and benefits

Unlike Clinton and Trump, Avocados will not give giant tax cuts to the super-rich that defund the government and create deficits that they then use as an excuse to cut social programs for poor people who are struggling to survive.

8. The Supreme Court

Unlike Clinton the Neo-liberal and Trump the neo-fascist, Avocados will not appoint evil bastards that put corporate interests above the needs of ordinary people to the Supreme Court.  In fact, they won’t appoint anyone to the Supreme Court.  And maybe that’s what we need for a while, after their idiotic Citizens United ruling, the entire Supreme Court needs to sit in time out for a few years and think about what they’ve done.

9. Integrity

Avocados tell no lies, they won’t set up private email servers to skirt the freedom of information act, they won’t turn the presidency into a kleptocracy, and they cannot be corrupted.  At the end of the day, you can trust a bag of avocados far more than any major party politician.  And if you don’t have trust what do you have?

10. Avocados are delicious

’nuff said.

So please join me in voting this November for your next president – a big bag of avocados

The do’s and don’ts of online dating, from a newlywed.

Posted in Life | Tagged ,

Almost 2 years ago now I wrote a humorous (well, I thought it was funny…) blog post on taking a data-driven approach to dating.  In that post I promised to write a follow-up if I had success.  Since I got married in July, I guess it’s about time I keep that promise!  So here’s a few things I learned along the way (big thanks to the okcupid data blog and the okc forums on reddit) that might prove useful to others.

For the sake of transparency, these are written for someone who’s looking for a life partner, if you’re just out there to get laid you can disregard most of them. Continue reading

Are you driving like a Jerk?

Posted in Life | Tagged ,

A quick quiz:

  1. Do you consistently tailgate people and use your brights to blind and intimidate them to force them out of your way?
  2. Do you change lanes without signalling and make a habit of cutting people off in traffic?
  3. Have you ever crushed and mangled a motorcyclist by swerving into him or her or turning left across their lane without warning?  Are you likely to do so in the future?
  4. Do you consistently drive slower then the flow of traffic and insist on doing so in the fast lane?
  5. Do you pace yourself to match the speed of the car to your right so the two of you form an impenetrable wall that no one can get past?
  6. Do you open your car door while parked on the side of the street without checking for oncoming bicyclists or motorcyclists who could be killed or seriously injured by having a door open right in front of them with no time to stop?
  7. Do you pull out into the intersection just as the light is turning red so that you end up sitting there blocking traffic in the other direction when it’s their turn to go?  Are you utterly incapable of understanding that your myopic selfishness is what creates traffic jams and turns downtown into a parking lot every day?
  8. Do your fellow drivers constantly flip you off, shout obscenities at you, and swear vengeance upon you and all your progeny for seven generations?

If you answered “Yes” to any of these questions you’re driving like a Jerk!  Do the world a favor and buy a bus pass, you clearly don’t belong behind the wheel of a car.

This has been a Public Service Announcement from the Coalition of People who Hate You (CPHY).

Think of something else that should be included in the quiz?  Post it in the comments!

*Update: It looks like I’m not the only one who feels this way.   Too bad their decals are too big to fit on my motorcycle…